How to Conquer a Coconut

Alright, so you were feeling ballsy/in a spur of the moment/drunk in the grocery store and decided to buy a coconut. Fear not. Here’s how you open it and unleash its heavenly bounty.

Before we get started, you should know that the coconut is not a nut at all. It’s actually a fruit, specifically, it is a drupe. The same botanical category.

To drain out the coconut water, use a wine bottle opener. Stick the pointy end into soft hole and drill into it, pulling the end out like you would the cork of a wine bottle. Tip the water out into a cup and set aside for soup, smoothie, cooking beverage. The hole will be so small that your water will dribble out, so you’ll have to shake it a bit.


Opening the coconut is no big thing. Blogs will prescribe to you a special coconut-opening tool, a serrated edge, the blunt side of a knife, but DON’T LISTEN.

The best way to go about it is as a squirrel would a nut. Go outside, find a sharp, concrete or metal surface on the ground, preferably cornered. Take the coconut in your palm, equator-side facing downward and smash the coconut onto the corner. Voilà!

To toast it, shave the inside using a paring knife or vegetable peeler. Toss these shavings into a baking sheet or a frying pan with cinnamon, salt, or sugar depending on how you want ’em. Yummerdoodle.



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